November 2nd, 2005
US
Weekly
Following
the recent onstage lip-syncing fiasco at a Los Angeles concert last week, Eric
has informed the press that he will take a brief sabbatical from live performances because he, quote, “likes how
the word ‘sabbatical’ sounds” and he has “always wanted to say it out loud.”
Edward Pensetter, Eric’s agent and spokesperson, told reporters that the star is beginning
to feel the emotional strain stemming from his doctor’s ban on the consumption of Snickers Bars. This apparently excuses
the need to dub vocal tracks at his concerts, though the staff here at US doesn’t exactly see how.
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July 11th, 2005
National
Reader
Last week’s escape of Baba
the giant panther from the Washington Zoo brought fear and confusion to the Washington
area. Baba’s trainer, Bill Smeck, was grotesquely and fatally gored by the panther at feeding time on Thursday. The
panther then leapt over the twelve foot fence that had contained him and ran out of the Zoo’s entrance before Zoo trainers
could sedate or stop him. The fleeing animal quickly disappeared for over six hours, much to the apprehension of the Washington
public. Zoo officials frantically searched the area for any sign of the beast, but none were found. At the order of the state
police, the Zoo contacted Eric at his ranch in Nebraska and alerted him of their
emergency. It is reported Eric quickly grabbed his pith helmet, dart gun, and khaki shorts and immediately flew to Washington.
Eric was able to pick up the trail of the panther from the Zoo’s entrance,
and tracked the beast’s movement for over an hour. He claims the years he spent in Africa under
the guidance of the natives had prepared him for just such an ordeal.
Says Eric, “As my mentor, Neenee Weela, told me as I began my extensive safari training, ‘Shele mana goonga
zoo dag Washingtona nay woo haihai neve boon daha neehuk zerubadun.’ Which basically means, ‘You never know when
a panther may escape from the Washington Zoo. The things I will show you may
become invaluable in that situation.’”
The young tracker found Baba asleep in a dumpster behind Wong Soo’s Chinese
Emporium on Fourth Street. He shot the sleeping animal with a heavy sedative and the Zoo officials
were able to transport the panther safely back to its cage.
The Washington public was enthralled
to hear the news of their safety, and returned to normal life directly.
Eric flew back to Nebraska, where
sources say he enjoyed a root beer float and a king-sized Snickers bar.
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June 4th, 2005
People
Magazine
Eric
plans to participate in the Coast to Coast Bicycle Roast event scheduled for later this month. Participants peddle their bikes
from Townsburg, Maine to Walla, California,
stopping at designated hotels at night. Proceeds from the event go to the Small, Decrepit, And Pitiful Looking Children With
Sad Eyes And Strange Diseases That No One Has Ever Heard Of Fund. Says event coordinator Mandi Lackhurst, “The Bicycle Roast is so honored to have Eric participating this year. He’s just… he’s just…
so… wow, you know? Him being here will really increase the media coverage for the event, and so my face will be plastered
on a bunch of newspapers and maybe even a few TV networks. Cool, huh? I’m sure not an event coordinator of a non-profit
organization for the warm fuzzy feeling you get when you know you have made a difference in someone’s life.”
It is reported that in preparation for the upcoming Bicycle Roast, Eric is filling
his tires with air, oiling his bicycle chain, and purchasing those really, really
tight Spandex biking shorts that should be outlawed in the United States.
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March 23rd, 2005
Newsweek
Eric announced
to the fashion world last week that he plans to start the production of his own clothing line, named, appropriately, “Eric”.
Sources say that Eric personally designs the majority of the clothes, which accounts for the line’s bold and daring
styles, which leading fashion designers predict will put the clothing line at the forefront of the industry.
Eric wishes to assure the public that, yes, even though he is now
a fashion designer, he remains firmly grounded in his gender orientation.
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January 16th, 2005
Connected
just another site received
a nomination for the coveted “Revolutionary Website” award from CompuLife magazine. The small, privately owned
website, in addition to its strong ego-mania, is chock full of amusing content that will keep you entertained for minutes
on end. “It’s a very dynamic site,” says chief head boss at CompuLife
George Nelson.
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January 19th, 2005
Newspaper
Billionaire philanthropist Eric recently donated 3 million dollars
to the construction and opening of a public park in his hometown. “The community has given so much to me,”
Says Eric, “Although, offhand, I can’t think of one thing they have [given to me]. So I feel that it
is time to give back, partly because it’s my moral duty, and partly because of the totally awesome plaque that’s
going to be at the park entrance, not to mention the life size statue of me in the center of the green, and don’t forget
the commemorative Eric wishing fountain, or the bricks that will line the walkways, each inscribed with my name and select
sayings. It’s going to be a great place for families to come and visit.”
The park is expected to be open to the public by late summer. ____________________________________________________
December 2nd, 2004
The Herald
At a new conference in Manhattan a few days
ago, actor/writer/artist/musician/cheeseburger consumer Eric announced that he will be starring in an upcoming soap opera
series titled Buddies while simultaneously starting on a self help book expected
in bookstores mid-January.
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November 9th, 2004
Time Magazine
Eric received the Nobel Peace Prize last week for his superior work in uniting the formerly warring
countries of Tacongato and Belchani. In his acceptance speech, Eric referred to the assignment as a “piece of cake. Get it? Piece? Peace? Get it?”
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October 13th, 2004
The Herald
Eric and the prime minister of Tacongoto, Malchanano Agustinio, met yesterday in Tacongato to discuss
a peace treaty between Agustinio’s country and its neighboring country Belchani. Says American Secretary of Peace Ronald
Shumsfield, “We felt it was necessary to do all we could to diffuse the growing
animosity between the two nations. We knew that if we didn’t, the animosity would remain.” Reports claim the
department of peace decided that sending 14-year-old Eric would help persuade Agustinio to talk with Selmaniz Manfred, president
of Belchani. If all goes well, Eric will return to his ranch in Arkansas by
November.
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August 1st, 2004
The National Starr
There was and alleged Eric sighting last Thursday in front of a
McDonalds in rural Suskatwitch, Idaho. Brenda Hewitt claims she was exiting the facility carrying her purchase of a McChicken
sandwich and a small order of fries, when she spotted a young man who fits Eric’s description leaning nonchalantly against
the brick wall. She claims she immediately recognized the teen because she is “somewhat of an Eric groupie.”
Says Hewitt: “I have, like, all his CDs. I’ve watched his movies, like, a million times. He’s, like,
so hot!”
The McDonalds has used this as an opportune advertising campaign.
Their slogan: “Eat here, see Eric.” There have been rumors of a lawsuit against the McDonalds on account
of false advertising.
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June 27th, 2004
People Magazine
Eric has mysteriously disappeared after the embarrassing events
of his race for governor. His private jet was discovered missing two days ago, along with his entire wardrobe, the cash lying
around the house and his stash of Snickers bars. His family is asking for any information regarding the incident.
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June 10th, 2004
The Baltimore Sun
The candidates for governor are tied once again in the polls. Both
are now at zero. 100% is for other. Eric and Nubuck are both expected to resign from the race later this week.
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June 6th, 2004
The Baltimore Sun
Gubernatorial candidates Eric and John Nubuck are neck-and-neck
in the popularity polls, both a 50% each. At a news conference this morning Eric showed his political tact by saying, "My
competitor is a whiney baby. Don’t vote for him." Nubuck shot back, "Oh yeah? Well so is your mother!" A
heated verbal argument ensued, in which many unchristian words were flung like very flingable objects.
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May 30th, 2004
The Capitol
Eric told reporters that he would be starting the Eric Grant at
a local high school. "The grant will be awarded to the student who shows a profuse proficiency in the English language.
They will do this by writing a two thousand-word essay on a given subject. This is part of my plan to raise the literacy standards
in America. And if you elect me governor of Maryland, you will see many improvements just like this one."
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May 27th, 2004
Washington Post
Eric is on the road to recovery from the mangled ribs he acquired
in his hospital room two days ago. His agent says he will press charges against the crowd as soon as the guilty party confesses.
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May 26th, 2004
Washington Post
Well-wishers and get-well-sooners pushed past the hospital guard
and into Eric's hospital room where he lay peacefully yesterday. As the people poured in with their flowers and cards, Eric's
ribs were crushed under the weight of the bodies. Crowd control was summoned, and it took two hours, seventy-five bottles
of mace, fifty officers and twenty-nine arrests to clear the room. Doctors quickly rushed in to set Eric's disfigured torso.
He is expected to make a full recovery.
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May 25th, 2004
Washington Post
Eric finally woke from the coma he received at the Grammies. His
fans trampled him to near-death right after he finished his acceptance speech. The doctors say he will recover. His lawyers
say he will not press charges.
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May 23rd, 2004
Washington Post
A Grammy was awarded for Eric's smash hit album Even Tide yesterday.
The exuberant crowd thundered their approval at the banquet as the musical prodigy went up to receive his award. After a short
but humorous acceptance speech, Eric was mobbed onstage by his fans. The stampeding mass of humanity trampled him, throwing
him into a coma. He had to be rushed to shock trauma. We wait for updates.
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May 17th, 2004
The Baltimore Sun
Eric announced today that he plans to run for governor of Maryland, claiming, "If the terminator can
do it (run for governor, that is), so can I." His campaign will include a worldwide charity tour with his trumpet.
Some opposition claims that fourteen is too young to run for governor. Eric asked them if they had ever read The Kid Who
Ran for President. When they replied that they hadn't, Eric turned back to the microphones and said, "If you elect
me governor, I will do my best to eliminate illiteracy in America."
Sources say he comes up with his own quotes.
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May 3rd, 2004
Musician's Mag
The board at MM has nominated Eric as male vocalist for 2004. At
first we nominated Sting, but then we heard Eric’s Even Tide album, and knew we had made a mistake. We will be
sponsoring a weeklong radio program dedicated solely to Eric’s velvet voice, playing all his vocal works on a loop for
a complete seven days. Visit our website for station listings.
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May 1st, 2004
Newsweek
Eric named "Most Eligible Bachelor in the World." He can sing,
play an instrument, act, and is fabulously rich. What more qualifications do you need?
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April 15th, 2004
Musician's Mag
Even Tide was released this week, and is another stunning
masterpiece. In his latest album, Eric is not only a virtuoso in his superior trumpet playing, but in singing as well. Boasting
an artistic blend of recognizable Jazz favorites and fantastic original tunes, Even Tide swept onto the scene and immediately
replaced High Moon at the Number 1 spot on the charts. It is my professional opinion as a music critic that you should go
out and plunk down your $13.50 for this work.
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April 7th, 2004
Booklist
The Kid Genius Eric is now trying his hand at writing. And with
his debut novel Fast Lane it is quite evident that he has a very good hand. The novel is a lucid, engaging and compelling
thriller about one man's search for love and justice in a broken world. Eric's
characters are funny and multidimensional. His writing style is superb. Says Eric: "I didn't think this book would go anywhere
I wrote it in line at the post office. But I guess I can't say that I'm surprised."
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April 5th, 2004
Guinness Book of World Records
Eric sets record for most straws stuffed in mouth at one time with
1,971 straws.
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March 27th, 2004
Musician's Mag
Eric announced at a news conference last Thursday that he plans
to add vocals to his next CD. "This will be a huge change in the direction we were going before we changed direction."
Eric told MM "I hope to have a few original compositions along with some jazz standards. I also might branch off
into some Contemporary Christian works down the road as long as I don't run out of gas. But if my car breaks down, I'll still
be looking for road signs. Or maybe just a rest stop." MM stopped him before he could continue with any more painful driving
metaphors.
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March 21st, 2004
The Washington Times
President Bush and First Lady Bush hosted a party in honor of Eric’s
14th birthday. Quoted: "Eric is my little buddy. He sure helped me out last month with that Iraq problem. He's a great
guy." Eric and the President spent the afternoon playing croquet on the White House
lawn. The president won four games out of five, and the head butler won one. Sources say Eric wasn't really trying. Air Force
1 shuttled Eric back to his Chateau in France that evening.
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March 20th 2004
The Capitol
Happy birthday to Eric -From all your fans
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March 9th, 2004
Musician's Mag
Concert Review: Eric performed his High Moon concert to
a packed audience at the London Musical Theatre last night. Although he was recovering from a cold, he played each number
clearly and with so much emotion, the place was in tears when he was done. His High Moon album is still number one
on the Jazz Charts after being out for almost four weeks.
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February 28th, 2004
Fortune 500
Bill Gates' multibillion-dollar yearly income is now dwarfed by
that of a young, upcoming entrepreneur named Eric. Eric's fortune was a total secret until Saturday when his lowest paid employee
(Whose annual income was a whopping 100 million) told the press all about her boss’s vast wealth. She revealed that
Eric owns several estates scattered in various places worldwide, the smallest of which covers 90 square miles.
Eric, who was originally believed to live in a quaint house with his family, had no comment, although
he did later fire the loose-lipped employee. Sources say that his fortune is a product of numerous oil wells, his ownership
of Google, the McDonalds franchise, and the lemonade stand he sets up every week.
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February 19th, 2004
Sportsman Companion
Rookie athlete Eric set the record time for the hundred-meter sprint
at the Mitchell Track and Field complex, and is now named the Fastest Man on Earth. After an intense warm up routine, Eric
amazed onlookers by whizzing through the hundred-meter event in an incredible 7.23 seconds. Afterwards, he collapsed onto the track like a sack of pajamas and had to be rushed to Haney County hospital where he revived sometime later in the intensive care unit.
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February 7th, 2004
US News
Eric will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for finding the answer to
Quay's Unsolvable Theory. Mathematicians have been stumped by this ancient puzzle until two weeks ago when Eric quickly jotted
down the solution after ten minutes of seeing the problem for the first time. Master Mathematician Arnold Snuzzer is quoted
saying, "This kid is incredible. He is inhuman. He’s a genius. I hate his guts." Later, in reply, Eric said,
"I'm not his number one fan, so we're even."
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February 4th, 2004
Musician's Mag
Eric releases his first album, entitled High Moon. The songs
range from the smooth and soft to the dynamically blazing. This is a true one of a kind CD. Eric is a refreshing new voice
with his trumpet, and his arrangements are truly inspired.
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February 1st, 2004
Time
Eric's new movie Now and Forever, also starring Nicole Kidman
and Johnny Depp, is a fast moving thriller with a perfect balance of humor characteristic of Eric's earlier works that will
keep you entertained no matter how many times you watch it. Grossing over 130 billion dollars in its first week, Now and
Forever is definitely his best. It’s about a detective who finds a dead body then finds out who the man is, then
finds the killer. It’s another stellar performance by an all-star cast that you won’t want to miss!
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January 28th, 2004
People Magazine
Eric is named Hottest Bachelor in America. Number two is Orlando Bloom,
followed by Brad Pitt.
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January 20th, 2004
Washington Post
A young man named Eric foiled a robbery at the Bank of America
early this morning. The two would-be thieves entered the bank disguised in black ski masks. Each drew semi-automatic pistols
and informed the crowd that it was a hold up. Luckily, Eric was in line waiting to cash his paycheck. According to eyewitness
accounts, he instantly grabbed a nearby paperweight and lobbed it at the hapless thieves. The well-aimed missile knocked both
the guns to the floor. As the two turned to flee, Eric sprinted over and rendered each senseless with a quick one-two punch
to both of their jaws. The thieves were apprehended later by authorities and Eric is expected to receive a citation from the
mayor.
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January 13th, 2004
Time
President Bush has a White House meeting scheduled with Eric today,
in which they are expected to discuss the unrest in the Middle East. They also plan to talk about foreign policies. Said Bush in a news conference earlier this week: "I'm
really looking forward to meeting this kid. I've heard so much about his insightful ideas, and I'm sure he will contribute
greatly to the peace, security and general stability of this nation. Thank you, and God bless America."
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December 26th, 2003
Musician's Mag
Concert Review: The Jazz Christmas Charity concert held at the
Lincoln Center for Performing Arts last Saturday was a smashing success and a great night out for all ages. The performance
spotlighted many talented musicians, including Kenny G, Buddy Rich, Wynton Marsalis, Eric, and Kim Waters. The most notable
performances were that of the outstanding young trumpeter Eric. At 13, he is already playing with legends. Musician's Mag
was able to get in a few words with him backstage. MM asked: "What is the secret to your early success?" Eric replied
with his characteristic modesty, "I'm just great naturally. That's all."
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December 3rd, 2003
The New York Times
Eric stunned, amazed and wowed the public at the press conference
last Tuesday when he announced he had discovered the cure for cancer. The genius kid claims the formula of the DNA makeup
came to him while he was lying in bed one night. "It was a revelation!" He told The New York Times. "I jumped up
and went to my secret lab. I mixed a few chemicals, and I had it!" When asked where his secret lab is located, Eric had
no comment. His cure, named CanX, is currently only being used at John Hopkins hospital, but expected to be available nationwide
within the month.
