Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day when Jesus said, “The kingdom of Heaven is like 4 times the quantity of 3x squared plus 8x minus 9.”
   The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, “What on earth does Jesus mean?”
    Then Peter answered and said, “Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas.”
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Q. What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor?

A. "Make me one with everything."
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   Did you hear about the man who failed his Bar Exam? He thought Roe vs. Wade was the decision George Washington had to make when crossing the Potomac. _______________________________________________

  A young ventriloquist is touring the local clubs when he stops to entertain at a club in a small town. He’s going through his usual routine of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde in the fourth row jumps to her feet and says: “I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes! 
   “What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person’s physical attribute have to do with their worth as a human being? 
   She rages on and on, chewing him out, until finally the flustered ventriloquist breaks in to apologize, but the blonde stops him.
   “You stay out of this, mister” She says, “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
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   A young preacher was hired to perform a funeral. He got the directions mixed up and was terribly late. When he got to the site no one was there except two guys, and the concrete had already been placed over the casket. Being a faithful minister he decided to do his duty and began preaching. He preached for about twenty minutes, then closed his bible and prayed. After he left, one man said to the other, "You know, I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I have never seen anything like that."
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  Three guys and were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.
   When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War... could you help me?"
   "Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched his back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
   The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.
   Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
   When Jesus turned to heal the third man, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long-term disability!"
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   One night in the White House, George Washington's ghost awakened Bill Clinton.
   Clinton asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
   "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. 
   The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.   "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
   Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows.  It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.
   "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
   "Go to the theater."
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   80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for the Blondes are Not Stupid convention.
   The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up onto the stage.
   The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
   After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
   Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
   Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
   The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
   After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
   The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened but the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "Give her another chance!!! Give her another chance!!!"
   The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
   The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
   Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... 
   "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!!! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!!!" __________________________________________

     Russian, a Cuban, an American businessman and an American lawyer were on a train traveling across Europe.
   The Russian took out a large bottle of vodka, poured each of his companions a drink and then hurled the half full bottle out the window.
   "Why did you do that?" asked the American businessman.
   "Vodka is plentiful in my country," said the Russian. "In fact, we have more than we will ever use."
   A little later, the Cuban passed around fine Havana cigars. He took a couple of puffs of his and then tossed it out the window.
   "I thought the Cuban economy was suffering," the businessman said. "Yet you threw that perfectly good cigar away."
   "Cigars," the Cuban replied, "are a dime a dozen in Cuba. We have more of them than we know what to do with."
   The American businessman sat in silence for a moment. Then he got up, grabbed the lawyer and threw him out the window.
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    A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
   "You know, John," said the doctor, "I hate it when people come up to me at a party to tell me what's wrong with them. They expect me to dish out free advice right on the spot. Does that ever happen to you?"
   "All the time," says John.
   "How can you stop it?" asked the doctor.  
   "Well, the next morning I send them a bill that reads 'Fees incurred at party last night - $25.' That soon puts an end to it."
  "That's a good idea. I'll try it!"
   The next morning the doctor received a letter from the lawyer: "Fees incurred at party last night - $25."
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    The local United Way received nothing from the city's most successful lawyer.
   Irritated, the administrator phoned him. "We know you are very affluent, and yet you've not given a dime to charity."
   "Do you also know about my mother's exorbitant medical bills?" the lawyer asked.
   "No I didn't," said the administrator.
   "Or that my brother is blind and in a wheelchair?"
   "I-I didn't realize..."
   Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her penniless with three children?"
   "I'm sorry," the ashamed solicitor said. "I had no idea"
   "Well," said the lawyer, "If I don't give money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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      A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up!"
   After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher was surprised, but realized this was an opportune moment to help a child.
   "Do you really think you're stupid, Johnny?" she asked.
   "No, ma'am," Johnny replied, "but I hated to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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   A group of terrorists burst into the ballroom at the Marriott Marquis where the American Bar Association was holding its annual convention.
   More than 500 lawyers were taken as hostages.
   After getting a television camera, the terrorist leader announced that, until their demands are met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
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    A little boy wanted $100 to buy a new bike, and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
   When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
    The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God, which read:

Dear God,

   Thank you very much for the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, they deducted $95.00 for themselves.
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    An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
   As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
   For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
   Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come? 
   The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves and that's how I want to go."
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    One day, Adam tells God that he's lonely. God says he will give him a companion. She will do everything for him: cook, wash, make him happy and bring children. She will adore him and give him moral and emotional support. She will be the most wonderful creature to ever grace the face of the earth. But it will cost him an arm and a leg.
   Adam thinks it over and finally says, "That's too much. What can I get for a rib?"
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    Have you heard about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog...
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   You need only two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
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Q. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with a Unitarian?

A. Someone who will ring your doorbell and then not say anything.
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   A man was on his deathbed. His wife was nearby. The man turned to her and said, "Wife when we were married and went into debt because of it, you were there. When I lost my job, you were there. When I broke my leg falling down those stairs, you were there."
   The man stopped to regain his energy. 
   "And when I found out that my stocks had crashed and we were bankrupt... still, you were there! And when I found out that I had cancer, you were there!"
   He turned to her and whispered, "You know something? I think you're bad luck."
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   Two guys walk into a bar. 
   You think the second one would have seen it and ducked...
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    It was a sunny morning at the local golf course, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine. Visualizing the flight of the ball, testing the direction of the wind when suddenly a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker
   "Would the gentleman at the ladies' tee please back up to the men's tee?"
   Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly oblivious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the man at the ladies' tee back up to the men's tee? Please!"
   Mike had had enough. He turned and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse please shut up and let me play my second shot?"