ask dr. eric

Q. So what’s up with this worldwide trend of taking trite little sayings—adages, if you will—and acting like they are some sort of solid, God-sent wisdom?

-Curious is San Carlo

A. Funny you should mention this astonishing little phenomenon, because it happens that I’ve been giving it a lot of thought lately. It seems that people have no problem taking snippets of Faux Wisdom such as

“The best things in life are free”

“The early bird gets the worm”

“Every cloud has a silver lining”

“Two heads are better than one”

“Great minds think alike”

“Less is more”

And my personal favorite, “Promises are made to be broken”

and substituting them for actual, coherent, thoughtful ideas. The painful thing about this trend is that when one of these sayings is invoked, it trumps all other ideas and excuses whatever behavior is trying to be reckoned.

The other people who hear the Faux Wisdom automatically assume that it must be correct and applicable to their current situation because this bit of wisdom has survived the test of time and has been passed down from generation to generation, thus proving itself a notable and worthy thing to say.

The reason the Faux Wisdom bits have survived is the same reason they are still in use today, namely, people are mega-whopping weenies with the critical thinking skills of eggplant.

Take, for example, the phrase “Promises are made to be broken.” Now imagine a scenario in which person number one (who will we call Jim) tells person number two (who we will call Sam) that he will give Sam important, work-related documents by next Tuesday so Sam can give his presentation to the CEO of the company and possibly get that promotion he’s been waiting for.

However, Jim fails to get Sam the documents, Sam can not give his presentation and thus loses his job, and his wife leaves him.

The next day, an irate Sam shows up at Jim’s house with a shotgun in his hand and demands to know why Jim did not give him the documents like he promised he would.

Jim carefully explains, as many people have said before, that promises are made to be broken, and don’t worry about money because, in fact, less is more, and this cloud certainly has a silver lining.

Sam, seeing the logic and wisdom in these statements, sheepishly lowers his gun and apologizes; stating that he’s glad Jim is such a reasonable fellow. They both go out to the nearest bar and have a few drinks.

This example may be a bit exaggerated, but it’s probably not as far-fetched as you may think. Humans use their brains to such a small degree that if something sounds like it could possibly be logical, they have little problem accepting it.

The reason, and the answer to your question, is that humans are dodos.

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Q. Dr. Eric - Please explain the medical community’s propensity to regularly contradict itself.

-Anonymous

A. The medical community, as a whole, is firmly grounded in the mindset that they are waaaay better than the moronic layperson, so they feel that quite frankly they can do whatever they darn well please. One of the many ways they get their kicks while in this mindset is by intentionally releasing “groundbreaking” medical reports at a rate of one every thirty seconds. Unfortunately for us, the moronic laypeople, each of these reports contain startling new revelations that are completely opposite from the preceding reports. The result looks something like this:

-Medical breakthrough! Scientists working in an undisclosed location, protected by a concrete bunker and a ground-to-air missile defense system, recently discovered that Nikrotratin, a chemical found in chocolate, is a leading contributor to long life, fertility, physical perfection, and strong bones and teeth.

-Medical breakthrough! Scratch that last medical breakthrough. Chocolate will kill you instantly. Don’t even breathe in the direction of a Hershey Bar.

The truth is that the fun-loving medical experts are just getting a few good-natured laughs at your expense. Don’t worry about it. Eat all the chocolate you want.

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Q. Dr Eric, I’m doing a school report on the nature of dogs. Could you please outline what makes dogs act like dogs? And do you think you could answer in 500 words or more?

A. As a longtime employee of the public library system, I am routinely asked deeply involved questions by patrons such as “Where are the bathrooms?” and “Can you please move out of my way?” As a result, I am clearly qualified to answer your question, even though I technically do not own a dog.

To get a clearer understanding of why dogs act the way they do (and, be honest, who wouldn’t?), we must first understand the dog’s brain. A dog’s brain is an extremely complex mechanism capable of unbelievably advanced thought processes and logical problem solving, though you wouldn’t know it because all dogs ever do is bark and drool. The only parts an average dog ever uses are four small lobes labeled, in purely scientific terms, the Barking Incessantly at Possibly Harmful Things Such as Floating Leaves lobe, the Wagging and Slobbering lobe, the Never-Ending Production of Liquid Byproducts lobe, and the Barking Relentlessly at Plainly Harmless Things Such as Absolutely Nothing lobe.

The Barking lobes are most likely nuclear powered because they never, ever, EVER stop working. They keep the dog in high alert for dangerous and life-threatening situations such as when neighbors come to visit. No matter how many times the neighbors have visited before, the dog dutifully informs its family, through a series of coded barks which last roughly as long as the Cold War, that the neighbors are inside the house! Bark bark bark! Now the neighbors are taking off their coats and handing them to the hosts! Bark bark! Now the neighbors are sitting down! Bark bark bark! Now the neighbors are sipping beverages! Bark! Now the neighbors are shifting uncomfortably in their seats! Bark bark! Now the neighbors are getting up and leaving! Bark bark!

Yes sir, where would we be without the indispensable alarm system that is dogs? Well, at least we wouldn’t be swimming in slobber or being slowly whacked to death with their lethal tail movement. Scientists tell us (and we have no choice but to believe them) that when a dog wags its tail it is happy. However, dogs also wag their tail when they are sad, when they are hungry, when they just got fed, when they want to go to sleep, when they successfully tell their family that little Timmy fell into the mineshaft AGAIN, when they greet a man wearing a ski mask at midnight, when they just ‘lit a big one,’ when they play bingo, etc.

Dogs are also serious sniffers. Once they get on a scent, nothing can sidetrack them. This includes machine gun fire and nearby nuclear testing.

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Q. Dr. Eric, I'm scared about x-mas. If Santa is going to review all my behavior for the past year, I think I should be allowed to have a lawyer. Besides, who is Santa to judge what is right and wrong? Good and bad? What do we know about him? He could be conducting all his work from a cell on death row! Am I just being weird, or should I think twice about putting my Christmas destiny in the hands of a possible homicidal maniac?!? Help me! I need your help!!!
Sincerely, Scared about Santa

A. You raise some pretty valid concerns, reader. I’m glad you wrote me in regards to them, because I am firmly of the belief that it is time to reveal the true nature of this menace we have come to know as Santa Claus. For years the mystery of Santa has been shrouded in mystery and unverified facts. Our own parents—people who we otherwise trust and love!—have been feeding us lies about this man since childhood. See, the whole Santa myth is quite convenient for them. They can tell us that an overweight man who wears a red velvet suit (don’t even get me started on that!) has the capability to watch our every movement and bases the amount of gifts we receive on the level of our performance over the past year. Pretty sweet deal, huh? Yes, it’s en effective way of ensuring good behavior even when the parent is nowhere around!

The truth is, though, that Santa doesn’t exist. Not in the way we think he does, anyway. There’s no guy in a red suit and jolly jelly nose or whatever the heck Santa supposedly has. However, parents do have a system of tracking their children’s movements and rewarding them with (or with a lack of) presents at Christmas. There is an organization running at large called the Surveillance And Nonstop Tracking Alliance, also known as SANTA, and another organization known as the CLandestine Association of AdUlt Support, also known as CLAUS. These two organizations run in coordination with each other to complete the Santa Claus effect. SANTA tracks each child’s movements and tallies up how much reward they deserve at the end of each year. CLAUS then takes over and implements the purchase and distribution of the gifts, based on the information supplied by SANTA.

“What?!” You may say, “That’s preposterous!! How come I’ve never heard anything about it?”

You’ve never heard anything about it because Santa Claus doesn’t want you to. Both SANTA and CLAUS are top-secret organizations, run completely by parents across the globe. However, parents are excellent at keeping secrets, so not a word has leaked out about the conspiracy to any of us clueless kids.

“Ah, ha!” You may ask, “Then how do you, Mr. Smarty-Pants, know about it?!”

just another blog cannot reveal it sources. We have many, many informants who are risking their safety every day to bring us the inside scoop about important global issues such as this one. We cannot, however, for their personal well-being, tell you who these noble and fearless people are. They are all over the place. Maybe in your very home.

Actually, it is probably very bad that I told you all this today. Chances are that I will not get anything for Christmas for many years to come. But I feel that the sacrifice was worth it. It was time to get the truth out! Please! Do all you can to spread the word! This is important, and concerns each and every kid on this planet. Do not let SANTA and CLAUS deceive us any longer!

Scratch that. Pretend you don’t know anything. Play along. Presents are cool.

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Q. Dear Dr. Eric, I have been having trouble with getting my schoolwork done lately. My mother has been piling up stuff for me to do every single day. She has just signed me up for a college class in my first year of high school!!! AND, she's making me do a math course over the summer that I tested out of. (Meaning I tested into the next course) What can I do??? Help!!!

-Homeschooled in High School

A. When I was a small child, I would frequently go to a park in my hometown. It was a very nice park. It had a big wooden playground and lots of paths where you could ride your bike or roller-skate. It was a lot of fun to go to this particular park because there was also a large lake with a bunch of geese swimming around, and if you had some bread you could throw crumbs to them and they would all squawk and make a fuss and try to get to the bread before the other birds did. One day when I went to the park, I saw two geese come out of the water and walk onto the path. They were making a huge noise and flapping their wings and scaring the living daylights out of all the preschoolers walking by. I thought it was pretty funny, but at the same time, even from my position a safe distance away from the disruption, I also was freaked out by the sudden display of aggression.

Unfortunately, Homeschooled in High School, the story I just told you has absolutely no application to your question whatsoever.

What you need to understand is that your mom has only your best interest in mind. The workload your mother has seemingly heartlessly placed upon your Freshie head is merely for your long term benefit, as she wants you to be as prepared as possible for the real world and the plethora of superfluous responsibilities that accompany entering the real world. You see, here in the real world—as you will soon discover—we do a thing called… (don’t get scared here)… work.

I know, I know. It’s a terrible four letter word that should never be uttered by any God-fearing person. But it’s just a fact of life. When you grow up, you become an indentured slave to life, for the duration of life. You have to submit to The System or be crushed under its massive weight and omnipresence. But, lucky for us, The System dictates only five key things.

The System’s Five Rules of Existence

1) You must be born

2) You must dive headfirst into the academic pool at a very young age and not resurface until you have completed a million years of grade school, and, preferably, an additional million years of college

3) You must utilize all the terrific stuff you learned in your two millions years of schooling to get you a well-paying job where you hate your boss, hate your co-workers, hate the job itself, and hate the fact that you’re two million years old and just starting to do something with your life

4) You must write a check for the sum of three hundred thousand dollars and send it to the Save the South African Walla-Wallas Foundation, but make the check out to Eric

5) You must get married and promptly settle into the drudgery of the rest of your life

However, reader, this does not mean you have to submit to The System! Oh, no. If you wish, you can attempt to live completely outside of the way every other American operates. You can spend your entire existence trying to stay out of the mold, wearing bell bottoms and glasses tinted light pink. And you can put as much effort into fighting The System as you would have in your two million years of schooling. Unfortunately for you, by the time you die, you are just as tired but you have no idea what is the capital city of Balmasia.

My advice to you would be to simply succumb to the pressure of academia for the time being, absorb as much useless knowledge as you can, do not crack under the pressure of scary profs, and… most of all… don’t try to feed geese in parks.

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Q. Dear Dr. Eric, What is the meaning of life? I’ve been feeling so empty inside. There seems to be this void deep within me, right in the very center of my being. Can you explain it?

-Ives Burley

A. Have you tried eating something lately? Whenever I feel empty, grabbing a sandwich usually works for me.

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Q. I’m writing in reply to the man who was having trouble with his fireplace. I’d just like to say that he should not lose hope! My husband and I have had similar problems with our fireplace, but we found that all it takes is a little patience (and a lot of lighter fluid). So, reader, keep at it, and good luck to you!

-Anita Green, Alabama

A. Um, excuse me? What… do you think this is your advice column? Lookie here Anita, I’m very capable of handling readers’ questions by myself, without your input. Hey, if you want to give people advice, get your own website.

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Q. Dr. Eric- My younger brother is extremely annoying. I tend to get claustrophobic when someone gets to close to me, and it seems he's ALWAYS near me. What can I do to get some help?!

-Autumn

A. Your brother obviously suffers from a common childhood syndrome called Beingus a Youngerol Siblingia, which, in layman’s terms, means “Being a Younger Sibling.” In fact, recent studies prove that nine out of eight younger siblings experience this illness at some point in their life. The symptoms are prominent and unmistakable: Prolonged Wannabearoundyoubecauseiloveyouia, severe Annoyingia accompanied by brief stretches of Irritatingyououtofyoursocksitis, and of course, Imgonnatellmomonyouia.

When a younger sibling starts to show signs of this terrible disease, the older sibling or siblings frequently develop reciprocative symptoms. These include involuntary Punchingyourlightsoutia, spontaneous Getoutofmyroomitis, and impulsive outbreaks of sudden anger. Contrary to very popular belief, the older siblings should not be held responsible for their actions, which are merely normal reactions to Beingus a Youngerol Siblingia. However, it is universally accepted among parental supervision that the older siblings must control their syndrome symptoms while the younger siblings may do whatever the younger siblings want, even though the older siblings’ symptoms are a result of the younger siblings’ failure to control their symptoms!

Control, Eric…gain control… aaaaah… Okay. I’m back.

So you can see the problem older siblings have. Basically, the whole world is against them. This is why God invented Xanga and other online journals… so older siblings can rant about the injustices and cruelties being dealt them on a regular basis.

But aside from frequent online posting, I would suggest a number of things to relieve the stress of the Older Sibling Syndrome. Drink lots of herbal tea, perform yoga regularly, and cleanse yourself of evil younger sibling spirits by focusing on happier things, such as getting impaled through your spleen by a rusty door hinge. Buy therapeutic devices. Go to the spa twice a week. Get a massage. Try to forget your younger siblings for a little while. Don’t kill them.

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Q. Dear Dr. Eric: What is the proper grammatical usage of the word “affect” as opposed to “effect”?

-Janice Hootonbrighter

A. “Affect” and “Effect” are grammatically connected by the rule concerning Synpothems, from the Greek words “Synpo” meaning ‘Words’ and “Thems” meaning ‘that sound pretty much the same but it doesn’t matter which spelling you use because this is the 21st century: the year of chat rooms and replacing “you’re” and “your” with “ur” and other heinous trespasses against the English language, including rap music.’

So, with this definition in mind, you can clearly see why the internet has become so popular. It takes less brain cells to maintain a conversation online than it does to blink.

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Q. Dr. Eric, I am interested in playing the trumpet. Do you have any tips for playing this instrument? Such as where to start?

-Tad Nardis

A. I’m glad you asked, Tad, because it just so happens that I do! Simply follow these easy, step-by-step instructions and you should be making beautiful music in no time.

1. Buy a trumpet. Any trumpet will suffice. Just make sure that it is, in fact, a trumpet. It would be wise to consult a professional on this point, but the general rule of thumb is if it looks like a trumpet, then it probably is one.

2. Take the trumpet out of the case. This would be done preferably at home, and not at the music store. There are a variety of ways to open a case, but the most widely practiced method is the “undo-latches-and-remove-instrument” system. Alternate methods include “disassemble hinges with screwdriver” and “tear cover off with hammer.” The Federation of Trumpet Players and I endorse neither.

3. Insert mouthpiece. Locating the mouthpiece and picking it up should, of course, precede this step. Once the mouthpiece is inserted (hint: it goes into the small opening of the trumpet, not the big one), give it a firm twist to the right. This is done to prevent the mouthpiece from escaping and going on a Caribbean cruise while you are not looking.

4. Mentally prepare for creating sound. Preparations consist of allowing your mind to reach the state of Chin-Uhp Hi, and softly chanting, “Please, God! Don’t let me crack the first note! Please! Please! Please? Pretty please?”

5. Place lips on mouthpiece and blow. At this point you are basically on your own, as all I do is fake it and hope for the best. Secret insider’s tip: It sounds cool if you randomly press down those things called valves.

6. Experiment. Be creative! Making music is an art form, and as we all know, artists have no idea what they are doing 95% of the time, and not knowing what you are doing is synonymous with being creative.

So there you are, Tad! Hope it helps!

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Q. Dr. Eric, my children have no respect for anyone or anything. I have tried every possible solution but nothing has worked. They are getting more and more ornery, and it’s almost to the point where I can’t take them out in public. What should I do?

-Distraught in Detroit

A. It’s your fault they have become such jerks. You, as a parent, should have trained them better than that. And now, you come crying to me to get you out of all your troubles like magic. Well, I’ve got news for you: you are going to have to live with those kids until the last one has finally moved out, probably around the age of thirty-five.

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Q. I’m looking for a sure-fire way to get this job I’m applying for. I go in for an interview next week. Do you have any tips?

- Dan E., from Alabama

A. Impressing a possible future employer is always a tricky business. You have to be able to suck up to him or her without making it so painfully obvious that he or she does not run from the room to empty the contents of his or her stomach into a wastebasket. Here are a few basic guidelines to get you hired.

When you go to pick out something to wear for the big day, chose something dark colored. Blacks and browns are ideal. The colors easily camouflage the coffee you will end up spilling on yourself. Also, remember to groom yourself carefully. Always double check to make sure your fly is zipped up. Your hair should be perfect at all times. Teeth should be brushed. This means you will have to spend more then 2 ½ minutes on your personal appearance, fellows.

When you enter his office or whatever room the interview will take place in, feign interest in every thing you see. For instance, if there is a photograph of the boss standing on a golf course, pretend that you actually find excitement in golf. Pretend you actually consider golf a sport. And most importantly, pretend that you think plaid pants and checked sweaters actually look good together.

When you are being interviewed, remember to throw in at least three words you know he does not know the meaning of. Such words include Honesty, Selflessness, Modesty, and Kindness. No seriously, try to use words like sesquipedalian, lethonomia, tarantism, resistentialism, onychophagist and dysania.

If you follow these points, you are sure to get the job.

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Q. I keep having this odd feeling that I’m a cow. What’s up?

-Mooing in Montana.

A. You probably are a cow.

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Q. Dear Dr. Eric, I am a divorced mother of two. My husband left me for another woman soon after our second child. He took all of our money and the plasma TV. The bills have been piling up. Lest time I measured, the pile was 5 feet high. We are close to eviction from our one room apartment; the place where I work is going bankrupt; my car hasn’t run since last November; my dog has fleas. Help me won’t you please? I need help.

-Ann Z.

A. Buy a guitar. Randomly strum the strings. Make sure it is extremely out of tune. Now set up a tape recorder. As you randomly strum the strings, sing what you just told me into the tape recorder.

Congratulations. You are now a Country Western singer.

See if you can sell the recording rights to a record company. Pose in a cowboy hat for a few CD covers.

Congratulations. You are now a millionaire. Just remember not to hook back up with your ex when he comes around again.

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Q. How many trumpeters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Ten. One to screw it in and nine to say they could do it better.

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Q. Last night, my parents left for a weeklong cruise. Me and my little brother decided to defy all authority and run with scissors through the house. He slipped and now he only has one arm. What should we do?

-Rick in Rothsville

A. It is very good your parents will be gone for a while. This will give you time to construct the artificial arm I will describe for you. First, find a roll of duct tape, a piece of 2x4 wood, a saw, lots of latex gloves, superglue, a permanent marker and socks.

What you do is take the saw and cut the wood into roughly the same size as your brother’s remaining arm. Once done, duct tape it securely to his shoulder at a natural looking angle. Cut strips of the latex gloves and glue them on to the piece of wood so that they completely cover it. Ball up the socks and stuff them into a new glove, and tape it to the end so it serves as a hand. For added realism, use the marker to create fingernails and hair.

I’d also suggest that your brother wear long sleeve shirts. All this combined should prevent your parents from noticing anything peculiar for at least four seconds.

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Q. Dr. Eric, I am looking for the perfect outfit to wear to my school dance. I have heard that you’re somewhat of a fashion giant, so I thought I would consult you.

-Jim Dubry

A. Well Jim, I must say you made a good move be seeking my advice. Although I don’t like to brag, I have won many fashion awards, including ‘Most Boring Outfit’, the ‘Worst Fitting Clothes’ award, and the coveted ‘Most Times Wearing Same Shirt Consecutively’ award.

But let’s get down to business. First you must decide how you want to go. Do you want daring or comfortably sane? Do you want dressy or casual? You best bet is to stand in front of you closet with your eyes closed and randomly pick out whatever you touch first. That’s how I do it.

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Q. Dr. Eric, how do I know who is the right partner for my life?

-Sam Libby

A. How the heck should I know?

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Q. Dear Dr. Eric, my name is Bobby. I’m eleven years old. There is a mean bully at my school. He is always picking on me. What should I do?

A. You bring up a very tough question, Bobby. Dealing with bullies is a very precarious activity and should always be handled with extreme precaution, ideally under adult supervision. In the history of school, there has never been a more severely damaging and emotionally detrimental concept then that of a bully. Recent studies by important, nameless scientific teams show that the average age of Jr. High school bullies is eleven, twelve and thirteen years of age! Coincidence? I don’t think so.

So, in conclusion Bobby, dealing with bullies is very dangerous.

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Q. My four-year-old boy refuses to eat. What do you suggest I do?

-Jennifer D.

A. Refusal to eat is a common childhood phase that we in highly educated circles refer to as Gonnastarvetodeathia. It is quite harmless, and is just your child’s way of exercising the authority he thinks he has. He wishes to control the atmosphere of your home by making you and your husband worried sick about him. What his four-year-old brain does not realize, however, is that he is the only one suffering and going hungry. So, in answer to your question: do nothing. Depending on how stubborn he is, he will most likely fall into various stages of anorexia, and might even die from the sudden loss of body mass, but other then that he should be fine.

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Q. My next-door neighbor is a fan of late night parties with lots of loud music and screaming, drunken guests. I need a way to politely tell him to lay off. Any ideas?

-George

A. Forget polite, George. Polite does not work. Pointed works. Painfully blunt works. Polite does not work. This neighbor of yours is a real blockhead. What you need is a small digital camcorder, which you can purchase by calling my merchandise hotline toll free and operators are standing by. But what you do is set that baby up in a discreet location so it has a good view of his entire back yard, pop in a high capacity tape, hit record and go to bed. The next day you will have some very fine blackmail material. Very fine. Make multiple copies of the tape and place one in his mailbox with a note that reads:

Stop the parties or you’ll be on CNN.

If this doesn’t instill terror in his heart and his parties continue, sneak into his yard one day while he is gone and, using gasoline, spell out on his lawn:

WITNESS MY WRATH, THUS SAITH THE LORD

Next time his party gets into full swing, throw a match on the lawn and run. Expect no more parties.

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Q. Dr. Eric, I am creating a website. But my creative tank is running low. I’m feebly scratching for new ideas. What do I do?

A. We should make a club.

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Q. Dr. Eric, Do you have any recipes for an exquisite potato salad?

-S. Flower

A. You are in luck! It just so happens that I have the very thing you need. The recipe I’m am about to give you has been passed down from generation to generation through my family. Up until today, it has been a closely guarded secret recipe, known only to the qualified chefs in our family. It was originated in 1863, by my great, great, great, great, great, great, good, great, great grandmother, dear old Angus, bless her soul. She was the best cook in all of Idaho, or so I’m told. According to family legend, she won every baking contest she ever entered. She could have a pie done and cooling in 3 ½ minutes flat. In her diary, she wrote that her life’s ambition was to find the perfect potato salad recipe. She tried various combinations of ingredients, but each one was a disappointment. They didn’t have the ‘zing, pop, ka-ZAM’ she was looking for. Then one day (Thursday, October 17, if I remember correctly), she tried the below mentioned combination and she just KNEW she had found it.

Ingredients:

Salad
Potatoes

Directions:

Peel potatoes thoroughly. In a large bowl, gradually mix into salad. Let cool. Serves 10.

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Q. My husband and I are in a little bit of a disagreement. I won’t tell you who thinks what, but one of us is sure that the moon is made out of cheese. The other one is certain that it is not. Who is right?

-Tennessee

A. The question of whether or not the moon is made from cheese is age old (whatever that means), and has plagued scientists and philosopher’s minds for thousands of years. It has brought contention between leading scientific universities. Their opposing views have been widely broadcast, but still no one seems sure.

So while researching my answer to your question, I called up Neil Armstrong’s son. I asked if his father had any writings about his experience on the moon. He said he wasn’t sure, and went to look for some. A week later he called me up and told me that he had found something that might interest me. He read from his father’s journal, which said:

“On my second trip outside the shuttle onto the surface of the moon, I made sure to grab a sample, as it had shocking similarities in its characteristics to cheese. Later on, I had a tasty meal of crackers and the substance, which even tasted a lot like cheddar cheese. After reentry and touchdown, I had NASA analyze it and they confirmed that it was, in fact, 100% Lucerne cheese. They told me to keep mum about the astonishing discovery, so I haven’t told a soul.”

I called NASA and asked them about it. The denied all accusations.

You decide.

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Q. Dear Dr. Eric, is there a Santa Claus?

-Montana O'Haron

A. Yes, Montana, there is a Santa Clause.

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Q. Dr. Eric, this year will be my very first Christmas with my boyfriend. His name is Todd. He is so nice. His is so sensitive, kind, caring, and he always smells good. I am so in love with him. His friendship has been so special to me. I cherish each and every moment we have been together. I want to give him a gift that shows him how I feel. It has to be perfect! What should I get?

-Jessica

A. Jessica, that was so sappy that I refuse to answer you.

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Q. Dr. Eric, every year, my office has a Christmas bash. My boss heads it, and frankly, he doesn't know the first thing about throwing a good party. Let me briefly describe last year's party, typical to my work: We arrive at the meeting room and there are straight rows of hard back chairs set up facing the front. At the door we are assigned numbers with corresponding seats a shifts to go up for food. The beverages are limited to black coffee and water. Well, you get the idea. The point is, I would like to avoid this mandatory annual boredom-fest at all costs. I need a classy excuse to get me out of it.

P.S. Retaining my job would be a plus.

-Party Pooper

A. Dear Pooper, bosses are, by nature, suspicious creatures. Plus, they have heard all the excuses known to man from former employees. Yes... former. And you are 100% correct. You need to be sneaky. Really-without-a-doubt-super-duper-double-whammy-extreme-o-ultimate-sneaky. Here's what I propose, although I can't guarantee that it is foolproof, because there is the variables of nosy, tattle-tale coworkers to consider. Continue at your own risk of losing your job.

The first step is to book a month-long cruise to someplace very far away. Anywhere. France, Bahamas... it doesn't matter. Book it so that the party lands right smack dab in the middle of the trip.

You now have the major part out of the way. For the next two weeks, work on convincing everyone at your work that you have been having dreams about aliens coming to get you, and that you think you will be abducted within the year. Remember to keep with the act. Don't stop, as weird as it may feel and even though your coworkers will think you have totally lost it.

Then, on the night the cruise is scheduled to leave, under the cover of darkness fly out to the cruise place and camp out there until the boat departs (With you on it). Enjoy yourself for a month. Relax. Forget about your job and the party.

When you return, feign amnesia. It's as simple as that.

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Q. Dear Eric, as the holiday season approaches, I must confront my duty as the husband of a hostess. At each gathering at my house, my job is to start and keep the fire going. Problem is, I am fire inept. I couldn't start a fire in a forest with a flamethrower. I don't want to put all that money into a gas log, and my wife says it doesn't have the homey feel of a authentic fire. I need help! How do I start a fire and keep it going?

A. Ahhh, the joys of the Yule Log. Yes. It's a battle between man and wood, whose earliest record dates back to prehistoric times. Both forces have unwavering will. But, the glory of victory goes only to the one with the unwaveringer will.

You must show the wood who is boss. Allow no leniencies. Adopt a zero tolerance regime. Go up to that rebellious log, look it right in the eye, and say, "Log! You don't scare me and I WILL have you burning before the first guest arrives! Ha ha!"

Depending on the age of the log, that speech alone might cause it to give it up and voluntarily burst into flames. If it is a very young log, say three to ten years old, then you should have no trouble. Your bravado will convince the log it has no chance against you. However, if it is a stubborn teenage log you will probably have to put up a more drawn-out fight. If this is the case, ominously slap a pack of matches against your palm as you advance on the wooden foe. As you approach, quickly whip out the concealed bottle of lighter fluid and douse the vicinity of the fireplace with a liberal amount (we suggest this be done only under close adult supervision. Adult=someone who is more mature and smarter than you.). The element of surprise will invariably give you the upper hand. Before the log has a chance to recover from the fluid, throw a match on top of it. (Tip: It works best if you light the match prior to throwing it.) Immediately throw the rest of the matches into the flames in quick succession. If the log hasn't surrendered by then, don't hesitate to use all of your and the neighbors' newspapers for the cause. And most importantly do not give up. Don't quit. It's the worst thing you can do. By quitting, you admit defeat to the log and it goes to the log bar and laughs about you with its log buddies and they comment on how people are quitters and they make a pact between themselves never to bow to a human again and they increase their resilience as a species and possibly never light again for anyone in the world. Ouch.